


in the morning i'll be with you (but it will be a different kind)

by alternatedunham



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, a n g st, and Laura coping, and missing her stupid vampire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 06:41:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2683010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternatedunham/pseuds/alternatedunham
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'Laura tries to apologize.</p><p>She tries to apologize a thousand times, a thousand different ways, it seems.'</p><p>Post episode 35 and beyond.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the morning i'll be with you (but it will be a different kind)

**Author's Note:**

> I just watched all of Carmilla last night, and then episode 35 happened, and . . . I'm emotional. This is my first Carmilla fanfic, but from far my first ever fanfic, if that makes you feel any better.

Laura tries to apologize.

She tries to apologize a thousand times, a thousand different ways, it seems.

She leaves the yellow pillow on her roommate's bed, even though Carmilla's smell still lingers on it and Laura is desperate, even though it's technically Laura's (it doesn't feel that way anymore, and plus, maybe the idea of something comfy awaiting her will bring Carmilla home).

She screams at Betty when she tries to crawl into Carmilla's bed, forces Betty to take hers. Laura sleeps on the floor and spends the entire night thinking about that time Carmilla did the same.

She buys chocolate and hot cocoa and doesn't eat or drink it herself. She knows Carmilla won't be able to resist thieving her food, knows she's devised an absolutely ingenious plan for getting Carmilla back. 

She lights all the leftover candles and watches the stars, names a constellation  _The Vampire_  and wonders if Carmilla will find that funny when Laura gets the chance to tell her about it.

She can't bring herself to look at the videos, because it's all wrong, she did everything wrong. Change some variables, you might change the outcome, but Laura can't change  _anything_  and it hurts so much, too much. It hurts like trying to swim but drowning instead, like waiting for a girl who ~~can't~~ won't come home because of stupid ancient evils.

She keeps Carmilla's  _soy milk_ , even though Perry goes on a rant about how unhygienic it is. "Perry," Laura interrupts. "Carmilla might be hungry when she gets back." Perry doesn't say another word on the subject.

She sees a plastic sword in the window of a dollar store one afternoon and is consumed with the need to buy it. It's stupid, stupid like heroic vampire crap, but clutching the hilt of the thing is almost like holding Carmilla's hand. Almost. She buys it.

She gets rid of the charm; she doesn't want the vampires to stay away. She wants her to come home.

She doesn't check twitter anymore. She never really sees any of the tweets, just the date of Carmilla's late one, taunting her, staring back at her. "Please, Carm," she whispers. "I just need to know you're okay." 

She dreams of Carmilla; usually, there's no speaking, no hugs or kisses, barely even any movement at all. They're sitting on Laura's bed, and Laura's holding the vampire's face gingerly in her hands. That's it, that's the whole thing, but Laura is sure that the Carmilla of her dreams, at least, knows that Laura would give anything to save her.

She continues loyally and unfailingly to text Carmilla's phone at least five times every day. There's never any reply -- that is, until she gets the message that the number's been disconnected.

She scribbles down countless rewrites of her last conversation with Carmilla.  _No, Carmilla, wait_ , she might put down, her handwriting messier than normal, her fingers trembling.  _Please, stay. Please, Carmilla, stay with me. Don't leave me, you stupid vampire._

She sobs her apologies into Perry's shoulder, or LaFontaine's, or Kirsch's, or even Danny's. They hold her tightly, stroke her hair, promise her that everything will be okay. She tries to believe them, imagines Carmilla crossing the threshold into their dorm room and taking her pain away.

She -- when Betty leaves Silas after months of deliberation, and a new roommate, Olivia, moves in -- relinquishes the other bed. There was a three-week stretch between Betty's leaving and Olivia's arriving, and Laura had moved from the floor back to her own bed. Her whole body is tense as Olivia lays down on the mattress, cheerfully introducing herself, but she doesn't stop her. She doesn't stop her.

She volunteers the local animal shelter on the weekends, gets attached to a black kitten called Midnight. She's the most adorable thing, wobbling around on unsteady legs, purring underneath Laura's hand. She has big eyes and a rough tongue and Laura adores the way Midnight curls up against her chest to sleep.

She tries to learn Sumerian. 

She starts calling people by nicknames -- cupcake, cutie, sweetheart, creampuff -- but her tone doesn't quite live up to Carmilla's, and Laura wonders if Carmilla's disappointed in her, wherever she is.

She takes dance classes and learns the waltz.

She graduates college.

She starts her life in the Real World.

She chats with Perry and LaFontaine over the phone while they're on some tropical vacation; she doesn't catch where they are, exactly, but Perry talks a lot about palm trees and the ocean.

She talks to Danny, too, and learns that she and her girlfriend, who's sunshine bright and has the most adorable Australian accent, eloped. A soft smile adorns Laura's lips, and she says, "Congratulations, Danny," but all she's hearing is her mind's cheap imitation of Carmilla's snark.

She forgets Carmilla's features, her voice, and she hates herself for not feeling more agonized over it. She was getting better, but she's backpedaling now.

She lets Kirsch move in with her after his girlfriend dumps him. "Little nerd hottie!" he greets her, all puppy enthusiasm, picking her up. Her feet dangle above the ground and they both laugh. She's glad to see him. Truly, she is.

She attends her dad's retirement party and one of his coworkers is a young woman named Elle Stevens. Laura smiles politely when she's introduced to Elle, feels the sting of remembering and ignores it (which she's pretty good at now). 

She ends up going on a date with Elle, and their relationship blossoms from there. Elle is beautiful and funny and quirky and smart and doesn't believe in vampires and is only twenty-four, like Laura herself. She smiles all the time and it soothes Laura's achy heart. Carmilla's still in there, making quips and sleeping until four in the afternoon, but Laura can now think of both her past and her future without it hurting. A lot, anyway. 

She rewatches her videos. She smiles when Carmilla comes into view, and doesn't want to be sorry anymore. Doesn't want to feel bad about anything that happened. Doesn't want to waste Carmilla's sacrifice on wallowing. She won't.

She whispers instead, "Thank you, Carm. For everything."

**Author's Note:**

> and I told you to be patient,  
> and I told you to be fine,  
> and I told you to be balanced,  
> and I told you to be kind,  
> and in the morning I'll be with you,  
> but it will be a different kind.  
> \-- 'Skinny Love,' Bon Iver 
> 
> Yeah, I know, I used 'Skinny Love.' It fits, okay?
> 
> I revised this thing a bunch of times and . . . I don't know how I feel? I really don't? Help? 
> 
> Hope you, at least, enjoyed. Or cried. Either is acceptable.


End file.
